CONFESSIONS OF A
LOOSE MORALS - LOW STANDARDS - NO REGRETS
SHATTERED TRUST AND BROKEN HEARTS
AFFAIRS DON'T BEGIN IN BEDROOMS - THEY START WITH SECRET CONVERSATIONS
It’s not even an educated guess. It’s a timeline based on amateur means to pinpoint where it all began. The lack of communication. The staying out late. The secrets and the lying. I was (and still am to a certain degree) determined to know when she decided to choose lust over love. I have this overwhelming desire to understand why she chose to flee into the arms of another man rather than make any attempt to fix the problems in our marriage. This conscious decision only added more fuel in the form of broken trust and a bond that’s been irreconcilably shattered. In the moment she chose to initiate a relationship (emotional or physical) with him it was a silent statement saying he was more important than me or the foundation we had built our union upon. He was more important than the children she and I had raised over the last seventeen years. She attempted for weeks to keep her sins in the shadows, but the moment I learned of her infidelity not only was my heart paralyzed, but it was a moment that will haunt me for the rest of my life – being surrounded by family, friends and her ex-husband wasn’t any less comforting. In fact, as my heart was breaking I was also conscious of the tears of my children as they stood in absolute shock of her proclamation, “I have a boyfriend”. Even after this life-changing event she expelled no remorse, no empathy. If anything, she made her feelings (or lack thereof) for me even more clear as she continued to communicate and see him. It didn’t end there – not by a long shot. I assume that she must have suffered a traumatic brain injury and/or was mentally incapacitated because she opted to move in with him – a decision to this day I cannot understand. She seems to have a platonic explanation for almost everything, but her actions nearly always contradict her verbal rationalization. In the simplest terms, the most convenient definitions there is absolutely no way “friends” leave love notes for one another on the counter. It is impossible to comprehend why “friends” need a second phone to communicate. For someone who claims that privacy is one of her biggest concerns why would “friends” create a social media account and tag one-another as a couple – then invite well over 300 people to the page? This is not about privacy, but rather flaunting their relationship in an open and digital environment. In what alternate universe do “friends” share pictures of themselves entering or exiting a shower? No, this is not a friendship as she so eloquently likes to regurgitate – this is a relationship in its purest form and she wanted to continue engaging in this illicit behavior while not only continuing to string me along, but benefit from our joint banks accounts. After all, her “friend” has nothing to offer in terms of security – he works as a driver for 2M and I’m assuming lives paycheck to paycheck… In fact, on several occasions he was “borrowing” money from her. I’m quite certain that he has to take out a loan to buy a happy-meal. At one point, he was applying for another company / position and listed my wife as his emergency contact! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this picture? To add insult to an already injured and damaged soul, I was essentially financially supporting her extramarital affair. For some people living in or near poverty level is a way of life which (right or wrong) is up to their individual preference and perhaps why he appears to be content living in extended squalor. If you saw him, most people would have a tendency to look the other direction. He is, by no stretch of the imagination one of the ugliest human beings I’ve ever seen. I can only describe him in the following way: If Shrek and Karl Childers (from Slingblade) had a love child. Seriously, how one even gets aroused being in his presence is astonishing... then again, if you’re that desperate it’s most likely due to your low standards, loose morals and inability to keep your legs crossed. Seriously, if you’re that hideous from the neck up, I can assure you there’s no improvement from the waist down.
Since the moment that she “ran into him” at Walmart she has continued to make one bad decision after another and have no concern for the fall out. Although I was blocked from her social media accounts during this time, I later found out that on several occasions she was trashing me to her friends and family online and in turn several of her “acquaintances” were hitting on her and/or offering advice to leave what she coined a toxic environment. She also expressed twice regarding her new found happiness. Now, I would never claim we had the perfect marriage, it wasn’t. There were perfect moments and even perfect days, but we had issues just like nearly every long-term relationship has. The difference is, she chose to engage with another man vs. being an adult and addressing her concerns as a married couple. This decision only added to the laundry list of “problems” she apparently had with me. I cannot count the sleepless nights. I cannot count the tears that soaked my pillow as I lay there thinking about what she was doing with or to him. You see, while she was creating the script in real-time with him behind closed doors, in the dark or under the sheets I was left alone and broken to play out the scenes independently and each was more devastating than the one before. There were so many red-flags that I decided my heart couldn’t bare another second of the pain and suffering she inflicted. I went as far as speaking with an attorney to file for divorce and on two occasions was within 24 hours of having her served until she convinced me otherwise. Needless to say, this situation (and the year 2019 overall) fucked me up completely. I have never in my life experienced such a plethora of emotions. In an attempt to move on, I went on dates but this simply felt wrong or uncomfortable. When she found out about this, she got even angrier with me and couldn’t or perhaps refused to see the hypocrisy. How is my dating any worse than her living with the man that she called her boyfriend just a few months ago? The same man that she now lived with under the same roof in a run-down shack? It is simply incomparable and quite honestly laughable in all respects and on every tarnished level.
Like every love story, I thought we’d have a fairytale ending – our first kiss until our last breath. Now this is only an illusion dusted with betrayal and deception. She had hundreds, if not thousands of opportunities to avoid changing history and fracturing our marital vows. First and foremost, the exchange of phone numbers and social media alias’ was her initial mistake. Moreover, deciding to take their “friendship” to another level superseded nearly every other fateful decision. It was a series of horrific choices that she willingly made that has made forgiveness all that more difficult.
Despite the fact that I’m 99.9% confident they engaged in sexual activity (even before her “I have a boyfriend” announcement) she returned home in December – eventually paying rent for seven months to live with a pile of shit I despise more than any other human being. I’m a firm believer in karma and he’ll get what he deserves.
Only time will tell if our marriage can survive her infidelity and betrayal. I do have my doubts, but based on the fact that we have a seventeen-year history I am willing to try. I have asked for two things: complete honesty and transparency. She must also understand that in addition to having severe trust issues, that I have built a wall around my heart stronger than titanium. I am fully prepared to walk-away if given any reason to doubt her sincerity, truthfulness or commitment to repairing our relationship. It will most likely never be the same, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I will (for the foreseeable future) question whose she’s talking / texting. I will most certainly question where she’s at and who she may be with. If she’s prepared to be patient and understanding perhaps the dark cloud that envelopes our bond may dissipate. Perhaps our stars will realign someday. For now, the biggest obstacle we face is reestablishing trust and communicating with one another – while my past behavior may have been a symptom, her decisions and actions were certainly no justification or remedy.
It's now been nearly a year since she returned and the explanations remain no more believable now then they were the first time she tried convincing me she and this piece of shit were not in a relationship. I've come to the realization that the word "forgiveness" is simply no longer in my vocabulary with respect to her actions - in fact, I often wonder why I'm still here. I no longer trust her as her words are empty and meaningless. I don't believe this will change until she can both admit her wrongdoings and take accountability for her series of disastrous decisions instead of making excuses. She continues to insists that they are no longer communicating, but I find this next to impossible to believe as she displays similar behavioral patterns that led me to suspect her infidelity last year: tilting her phone when texting, turning her phone upside down and frequent trips to the bathroom for example. I know he's changed his number(s) several times, but this isn't that hard to validate with a bit of digital sleuthing. The point is, I deserve better. I deserve to be with someone who will love me unconditionally and not intentionally try to hurt me. I'm somewhat convinced that this type of behavior can be inherited as both her mother and grandmother were also infatuated with male attention - I'm just hopeful that this isn't passed down to our daughters.
What gets me most is the fact that not only was she engaging with him without my knowledge, but then opted to move in with him - showering in the same space he shit. Only she and him know what really happened during their time together and I'm convinced she will take these secrets to the grave as she has never deviated from her story of being only friends - this despite all the evidence that would most likely result in a guilty verdict if brought to trial amongst her peers. For example, she "claims" it was a mistake for her to first introduce him as her boyfriend - she later recanted.. however, only a couple of months removed from this statement (and after she moved in with him) they decided to formally announce on Facebook that they were in fact in a relationship. When I discovered this (she dropped her married name and opted for her maiden name) this too was all an illusion as she reached out to roughly three-hundred plus people to tell them ahead of time that this was never intended to be real, but rather a joke to persuade another woman from engaging with him. For as long as I have known her, she's been a very private person and rarely divulged much personal information - it's simply unfathomable that all of a sudden her life became an open book for the world to read. I'm convinced that he manipulated her from day one and he's a very toxic person.
I hope someday she finds whatever she initially left to discover - her first attempt obviously didn't end in the way she had expected. He has absolutely nothing to offer her - multiple bankruptcies, minimum wage job at 48 and owes support to a child that may not even be his. Sounds like his ex also has no morals if there's a question about paternity. If I had to make an educated guess, from his perspective my wife was an easy target who he could persuade to help pay his rent and loan (or give) him money since he is nowhere near financially stable. After all, his stars must have all aligned because although she left in December, she continued to pay rent for an additional two-months until his new roommate moved in leaving no gap between sharing the rent or utilities. I believe she would have been better off living in a homeless shelter then agreeing to move in with this swamp-donkey "as friends". There's not much of a difference in the living conditions from what I've been told.
Our fairytale story ended the moment that she decided to exchange contact details with this inbred fucktard - it has mirrored a Greek tragedy where one of the primary characters gets stabbed in the heart repeatedly by someone they trusted. As far as he's concerned, I wish nothing less than a life of misery and loneliness. Karma is not just a bitch - it's a bitch with an anvil that strikes like thunder. You better wear a raincoat, motherfucker!
While the world looks to turn the page on a disastrous year that was plagued by a pandemic, it still pales in comparison to 2019 with respect to my personal life. My wife admitted to having an affair and made a conscious decision to move in with this shit-sniffer - leaving not only me behind, but our children, pets and her mother who was staying with us at the time... these actions proved just how little she cared and how laser-focused she was on her relationship with him. If true, which I believe it to be, he has absolutely ruined an otherwise perfect woman with that disease infected pecker.
Whether it's a coincidence or not, I find it interesting that this all happened shortly after having a partial hysterectomy. First of all, she was to remove all jewelry before the procedure and then couldn't wear her wedding ring for several weeks afterwards due to swelling. I suppose without the ring that this meant that she was no longer bound to her vows and was free to fornicate with anyone - even a 5'9 ass bandit.
When we've spoken about the topic at length, she generally excuses her behavior for "years of hell" but the last episode she can reference is roughly a year prior to her decision to leave. The timing (in my opinion) is almost impossible to refudiate. She ran into him, exchanged contact details, communicated in secret - both online and in-person. Then, upon opting to move out it seems that he too was looking for a place at the same time. How coincidental that they were looking at the same time. She often said that she no longer wanted to burden our eldest daughter by sleeping on her couch during our separation, but somehow they were looking to move together despite her rental agreement just being renewed - none of her explanations have ever made any sense. If it was that bad, why didn't she leave sooner? Why did she decide to bring a third-party into our relationship when this only complicated things even further and caused severe resentment and hurt? Why return to a life (and marriage) that was apparently so bad it drove her into the arms, bed and home of another man?
The topic of her "roommate" no longer is mentioned by family as it's become something of a stain within their brood. Her fateful decision to welcome him into her life (unbeknownst to me) again and acknowledge their relationship twice is foreboden and avoided at all costs.
Marriages are not always easy.. each day, each individual must wake up and choose to be with their spouse. What she essentially did it choose him everyday for no less than eight-months, May - December. She opted to put him ahead of her marriage and her children.
Perhaps it's time to begin a new chapter in life as the hurt and anger she inflicted upon me hasn't diminished. When she attempts to display any form of intimacy I often envision her saying or doing the same thing with him and this cannot contribute to a healthy relationship or individual wellness. Our youngest daughter is terrified that we're going to get a divorce which is perhaps why I've desperately tried to hold on as long as I have knowing in my heart the truth of their relationship and the chances of our marriage surviving an extra-marital affair.
I don't believe she will ever comprehend just how much she damaged me - the bigger question is "does she even care" or will she just continue to make one excuse after another and place a majority of the blame of her actions on my shoulders?
*Mark Your Calendars*
On March 4th, I predict that the foundation that her "stories" have been built upon will crash spectacularly. The primary explanations have always remained unchanged - it's the small (and sometimes rather insignificant) excuses that continue to be altered that will eventually collapse under pressure, bringing the entire structure down under the tremendous weight. I've always said there's a method to my madness.. it's a journey to hear the truth. Next month, after waiting nearly two years I suspect that honesty will prevail and it will clear a new path to the future. Whether we will be traveling together is unknown at this point in time. Perhaps she will become a silhouette in the corner of my mind, because it's hard to put a smile on the face of someone who can be so heartless.. someone who would intentionally inflict pain for so long without any reasonable sense of remorse.
Update: I spoke to my wife about my plans and she initially freaked-out and stated that her biggest concern was that her reputation would be tarnished if I attempted to sue him for "criminal conversation" and $3,900.00 - the cost of six-months rent to live in the quaint section-8 establishment - the two bedroom, one bathroom dump where the laundry room is in the kitchen and a microwave sits above the washer / dryer. Um, honey.. you should have thought about your reputation before choosing to move-in with this piece of shit. I would have been more concerned about being seen an adulterous whore than what your common friends think if I take him to court. After all, I'm pretty certain that most of your common friends have established an opinion of you if they knew you were married and moved-in with another man - especially this man who is by no stretch of the imagination a complete failure and ugly as sin. For more details please feel free to review my talking points.
I'm severely perplexed.. one one hand, there's a small piece of me that wants to try and make this marriage work. On the other hand, what will taking this uneducated douchebag to court solve? I already know the truth - my wife was delusional for a period of time and decided the best way out was to infect herself with his demon semen and then lie about it for nearly two years.. perhaps thinking I was dumb enough to look past her actions and believe her explanations. Lastly, I am responsible for five humans, eight dogs and one cat. If I choose to move on what emotional trauma could this cause - especially to my daughters? While money isn't everything, my wife would literally have two options if I decided to move forward with a legal separation or divorce:
a. move in with our oldest daughter in order to share the living expenses
b. find a man to move in with
Now, she's already done both of these in the past which mirrors her mother's actions so it wouldn't surprise me if she were to do either again. If there is any possibility that this trait or behavioral pattern is hereditary, it's a cycle I hope ends with her and not replicated by our daughters or sons for that matter.
March 2021 - Part I
Life is full of unexpected surprises and the last 24 hours has only solidified this statement.. in an effort to protect those involved, I am opting to forego releasing names, but let's just say what I've learned has only confirmed what I had suspected since June 2019. This son-of-a-bitch is a controlling, manipulative and destructive human being who preys on the vulnerable. He is both verbally and emotionally abusive once he has his talons firmly in place after countless empty promises. While the stories are chilling and somewhat difficult to hear, what bothers me the most is the complete lack of any decency and the serial nature of his behavior - a wake of broken hearts and tattered emotions... unseen wounds that not even time may ever completely heal. How and why my wife somehow got entangled in his web may never be fully understood. I'm convinced more than ever that she was "a target" and fell victim to his predatory ways that have been perfected victim after victim.
I have always believed that there are missing pieces to her stories and what I've learned is slowly falling into place.
1. They were in a relationship, but was and is simply too afraid to confirm and potentially lose the security in our marriage.
2. She knows he is destructive and does not want to admit to falling victim for his deceit or holding him accountable... for now.
3. She is afraid of him and what retaliation he (or I) may take if she were to ever vocalize the truth.
You see, not only did the two of them conspire to advertise their relationship, but apparently also told people they were engaged and had planned to wed in Las Vegas. Since this is so far outside of her character, one would have to assume that she was being manipulated early on with consequences should she not comply in full.
This type of person should not be free to walk the streets - through any legal action necessary they should be muted to avoid anyone else being victimized and causing any further pain.
While she may not say anything today, tomorrow or a year from now the truth will eventually come out. Abuse in any form can cause lifelong distress and emotional trauma. It often takes years for victims to build the courage to speak-up. The sheer evil that lives and thrives inside this man needs to be heard and addressed sooner or later so the trail of tears can subside and his reign of terror stopped.
March 2021 - Part II
I've never been a deeply religious person - not because I don't believe in God, but rather due to the absolute hypocrisy I've witnessed in my lifetime with respect to those who claim to be followers of a higher-power. In some ways, it's unfortunate that I've allowed others to nearly dictate my personal faith; however, in some ways that's changing because of the signs presented to me over the last two-years. Signs I've chosen to ignore for the most part, but perhaps should have seen or listened to much more closely. I say this because based on her poor decisions and even poorer actions I've been asked to look past this, look past what others have told me and look past what I know in my heart is fact. What do complete strangers (former friends, ex-girlfriends or police officers) benefit in telling me what they've seen or know about her relationship with him? They have nothing to gain whereas, she has everything to lose if the truth was revealed. Nearly every explanation or excuse has been contradicted by others or worse, by herself. She's offered to take a lie-detector test, but I see no sense in dragging yet another individual through our dirt. I know the truth whether it's from her lips or not.
I am closer than ever to moving forward, but timing is everything. It drives me completely insane that she still works minutes from where she lived with him and that she's rather consistently late, often by an hour or more. It drives me completely insane that her mannerisms haven't changed much since returning home in time for our anniversary in 2019 - she still turns her cell phone upside down, tilts it when texting and spends an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. Remember, I first suspected her infidelity in mid-2019 when I caught her texting someone (turned out to be him) and calling him "baby" which she continues to deny to this day. It drives me completely insane that I found out that she acted as a "distanced mediator" for the exchanges of his son with his ex. It drives me completely insane to know that they were telling people they were engaged and planning to wed in Las Vegas - this has not only been confirmed by those I know only in name, but our eldest daughter. Simply put, "friends" don't behave this way. Friends don't call each other "baby". Friends don't try to hide their new relationship from their spouses. Friends don't post that their in a relationship (two separate times) via social media. Friends don't need a secondary phone to hide their illicit conversations from others. Perhaps most importantly.. friends don't move in with one another leaving their children, pets and mother behind - these actions reek of lust, brain-washing or complete stupidity.
I still feel (based on what I've recently learned) that she was manipulated by him. He controlled her mentally, emotionally and most likely physically to some degree because he thrives off of this type of twisted behavior. He had nothing to lose by lying to her throughout their courtship, because more than likely it was a game with his next unsuspecting victim just a click away through a dating site or app. His only goal is to control women and take advantage of their naiveté and/or low self-esteem. These types of people will praise their victims relentlessly while controlling them at the same time. They mold their prey into believing that only they can offer a better way. If and when the woman gains enough courage to speak-up or leave, he will begin losing his patience, control and lash out in threatening ways to regain a firm hold of the situation and attempt to re-modify what he considers "acceptable behavior" from his victim(s).
Quite frankly, I'm tired of living like this.. it's time to finally find happiness that I'm deserving of by someone who appreciates me not only for what I am, but what I'm not as well. I'm tired of always wondering where she's at, who's she's talking to - if trust in a relationship is severely damaged or perhaps even fails to exist there's no reason to move forward.
Throughout her "relationship" with him, she used to post quite frequently, but one post will always stand out to me more than any other - it was a meme that said Privacy is power. What people don't know, they can't ruin. This seems to be a perfect metaphor for their time together - for everything that was done behind closed doors, in the darkness or under the sheets may forever remain a mystery by those on the outside.
I've read dozens, if not a hundred articles on infidelity and the stories nearly always end the same - they were never "just friends". The spouse who has somehow decided to engage in an affair simply refuses to admit to their affair and was afraid of their reputation being tarnished or the consequences upon learning that they are forever tainted. Remember, perception is everything: when you advertise your in a relationship with your lover AND move in with them people will recognize you for what you are. Nothing I can say (as the jilted spouse) could ever persuade others to change their opinions of you.
I sincerely hope that she finds the happiness she is seeking. I also hope that she has learned a valuable lesson is bringing a third-party into a marriage. No one deserves to experience this type of pain, this type of heartache or this kind of ending to what was to be a lifelong commitment.
March 2021 - Part III
I have come to the realization that I want and need more from a relationship that I’m afraid I most likely may never find in “us” again. I have tried to get beyond your questionable past, but I’m haunted daily by the horrific decisions you made and actions you took – not just for eight months straight but multiple times a day I would venture to guess. Perhaps it was the text you were sending while sitting on the lawn tractor that I initially suspected something was amiss – which was confirmed shortly thereafter in a room filled friends, family and disbelief. I tried desperately, almost pleaded with you to cease communication with him and to focus on repairing our marriage, but the communication not only exceled, but you decided the best course of action was to move-in with him. I should have known at that moment that any love and loyalty between us was being prepared for burial.
Even before “running into him” at Walmart (if that’s in fact what occurred) you must have made a decision without vocalizing to me that you wanted out and were more than willing to dip your toes in the waters of infidelity. The decision to exchange contact details, communicate in secret and drive to his apartment without my knowledge was a clear sign that your “friendship” with him was much more important that the vows we had exchanged years-earlier. I am not claiming to be innocent in all of this although I do feel as though I am a victim to some extent of your heartlessness, cruelty and complete disregard for our commitment as husband and wife.
For nearly two-years you’ve asked me to ignore everything I’ve seen and heard claiming it was all an illusion and that you had absolutely no interest in him romantically. Ignore that you announced him as your boyfriend. Ignore that you were seeing him in secret. Ignore that you moved in with him. Ignore that you and/or he told people that you were in a relationship and engaged. Ignore that you attended family gatherings together. Ignore that you told people you were happier after leaving a toxic relationship. Forget that nearly every time you were questioned it was the first or only time something happened. It doesn’t take a genius to see through the smoke and mirrors of your deceit, dishonesty and betrayal. There’s a saying that goes, “actions speak louder than words”. In this case your actions screamed while your explanations were a nothing more than faint whisper. You see, this is where I’m so complexed – do I believe the actions or excuses? Do I trust what my heart is telling me or the words that pass your lips?
You see, it seems that from time to time that new information reveals itself in the most unexpected ways. Until recently, I had never heard that you and he were supposedly engaged and planning to elope in Las Vegas. Until recently, I had assumed that you did in fact honor your word to cease communication with him upon returning home – only to find out that you had written a court declaration on his behalf after telling me you wanted to repair our marriage. I often wonder why you returned – was it because you were truly sorry and wanted to repair the damage that had been done or was it for security purposes only so you could continue living a double-life and hide any illicit behavior with him behind closed doors.. both his and that of our bathroom during your nightly soaks in the tub where dirty secrets may be easily disgarded down the bath drain.
As you know, my anxiety levels escalate every time you leave to work – a commute to his home is no more than ten miles from your office. For all I know, you could be seeing him at lunch or seeing him after work on those days you have a tendency to run an hour or more late. It could potentially even go beyond this - you could be communicating with him through an alternate alias or an app that deletes messages to avoid tracking. I shouldn’t have to live life wondering “what if” all the time and you are the sole cause of this severe insecurity and distress.
I want or rather need to believe that your series of disastrous choices were as a result of a mental breakdown, unexpected blow to the head or through his manipulation and lies as this was so outside of the character of the woman I had fully expected to grow old with. After all, this man had absolutely nothing to offer in terms of security and even less to offer with respect to attractiveness – he’s a short man in a fat boy’s body. He is, for the lack of a better term “a backwoods hillbilly” with no respect for women or the sanctity of marital bonds. Whether you choose to believe it or not, based on his history of preying on women in committed relationships, he manipulated you and still may be to some degree. While you were not the first, I can almost guarantee that you won’t be the last to fall victim to his devious ways.
Whatever you believe I did that was deservant of your actions with him pales in comparison. Yes, I could have been a better husband – I could have even been a better father, but the point is I tried and while things often got hard, stressful or complicated I never gave up and I never turned to anyone else as a way to cope or as you so eloquently say “vent my frustrations”. Not once in our relationship did I ever utter the words “I need time or space”. When I stood before you on that alter and promised to love you for better or worse it was not a temporary commitment.. it meant until my final breath. I wish I could say the same about you, but your actions said otherwise. You and he most likely will have secrets that will never leave the shadows of betrayal – memories that only the two of you share. My question to you is this: When you think of him and your time together, does it bring a smile to your face or a tear to your eye?
For months, I fell asleep alone in a bed we shared as husband and wife while you were creating memories in the arms of a predator. Was he worth it? Was he worth walking away from a life we were building together? Are those decisions you made worth the broken hearts you left behind?
April 2021 - Part I (Starving for Truth)
There's almost always a kernel of truth near the surface of an elaborate lie as secrecy remains hidden behind a black veil of betrayal. Even today, nearly sixteen months since she returned, I'm learning (for the first time) bits and pieces of her version of events while living with another man. There's a very deliberate reason why he's been so silent. There's a purpose for "attempting" to block me from social media - it's not because I was mean to him because nothing I could do could be compared to the hurt he helped to inflict by engaging with my wife behind closed doors. He is completely void of morals and any shred of human decency. I have absolutely zero respect for him and truly believe there's a special place in Hell for people who perform such acts in life.
May 2021 (Halfway Gone)
Since learning of my wife's "friend" nearly two years ago, music almost immediately became a self-prescribed medication. One song in particular that struck a chord (no pun intended) with me was Halfway Gone by Lifehouse.
Talk, talk is cheap
Give me a word you can keep
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way
And I'm feelin, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
You got one foot out the door
And choking on the other
Always think there's something more
It's just around the corner
I'm rather confident that our marriage is all but over, except for the legal pieces to be finalized. We either argue or there's complete silence.. rarely is there any moments of romance or civility. I predict sooner than later that she will eventually move in with our eldest daughter, her mother or another man.. all while continuing to blame me for her decision to become "roommates" with Jason earlier in our relationship. I'm convinced to this day that her version of events will remain cloaked in secrecy - the truth may only be revealed when she feels the need to hurt me further and place the final nail in our marital coffin.
I've said it a thousand times before and I'll continue to repeat it until my final breath.. this "man" is an absolute worthless human being without an ounce of morality in his tiny little body. I'm absolutely convinced that he manipulated her. Never before (to the best of my knowledge) did she ever display this type of behavior in the past - if she did, she was a professional at hiding it.
It's just too difficult to look past the betrayal, the shattered trust and hurt. Had she really had loved me, she would have walked away from their chance encounter without a phone number or other contact details. She wouldn't have lied about where she was going only to be seeing him in secret. But perhaps most of all, she wouldn't have optioned to move in with him. I've had so many opportunities walk away and each time, she convinced me to ignore the facts and believe her explanations. I'm tired of explanations. I'm tired of being manipulated. I'm tired of always wondering. I just want to be happy - the truth is I'm not at the moment and haven't been for quite some time. I think the moment that I learned of her actions, I knew it was over; however, I continued to fight to make our marriage work. Perhaps it's simply not worth fighting for anymore.
June 2021 - If It Walks Like A Duck And Talks Like A Duck
At this point, it's not just a matter of if or when it will happen again, it's "has it ever ended"? I've often had my suspicions, but it's becoming more and more difficult to confirm these feelings or validate her explanations. From time to time and obviously with a little digital digging I find a diamond that was buried beneath a mountain of potential lies. Take earlier this month for example: Since she returned in December 2019 I've been told hundreds of times that she's had no contact with him and blocked him from social media. Imagine my surprise when I found an affidavit she wrote for him in June 2020 - six months after all communication was to have ceased.
Describe your image
When confronted, I was presented with no less than three different explanations:
1. I wrote the letter when I still lived there, but did not date it.
2. I wrote the letter when I still lived there, but didn't sign it until June when I picked-up the rest of my things. (She didn't pick up her things until 10/2022)
3. I wrote the letter when I still lived there, but somebody forged my signature.
You see, this is just one of a thousand or more reasons why trust is an issue in our relationship and why I have a hard time believing in love in general. The very moment that she decided to exchange contact details and communicate in secret, she essentially threw gasoline on our marriage and tossed the match. There's very little of anything left other than a few embers and ash. I often wonder what's her motivation for staying in this relationship - perhaps it's the financial security that she knows he could never possibly offer. After all, his living conditions are just slightly better than section 8 housing and I'm assuming income is minimal for someone to need a roommate in their 40's. Remember, even after the moved out in December 2019 she continued to pay rent for an additional two months allowing no monetary layover between her departure and the new roommate's arrival.
It bears repeating that I just don't understand the attraction to someone who simply has nothing to offer. First and foremost, he'd be a front-runner to place in an ugly-as-hell contest. Secondly, the poor thing has filed for bankruptcy twice and barely makes over minimum wage. Lastly, at forty-plus years old he struggles financially and needs a roommate in order to make ends-meet. He is quite literally a total loser in every aspect of the word - and my wife apparently decided to associate with him. Her standards and/or self-respect must have suffered a severe injury to make such a disastrous decision. It makes it even more apparent that genetics plays a significant role in our lives. After all, her mother and grandmother weren't too picky about the multitude of men they chose to be with.
As the end of summer approaches, I have a few tricks up my sleeve which I'm confident will decide the ultimate fate of this marriage. I expect to find more skeletons hidden in her closet and who knows, maybe a bone that she's taken an extra effort in keeping buried.
July 2021 - A Final Goodbye
Just over two years ago I learned (in a very dramatic and life altering way) that my wife of seventeen years had been having an affair. In fact, some of you may know this individual - Jason Sisson. She had apparently been seeing him in secret for several months before the curtain was pulled back and a spotlight ignited her betrayal and infidelity. I was absolutely devastated.. the only world I knew for nearly two decades crumbled instantly at my feet. My first instinct was to interrogate her to confirm the relationship, but I knew the truth based on the look on our youngest daughter's face who had read the text messages. Unlike my wife, tears don't lie. I begged her to cease communication, but it only increased which was yet another sign I chose to ignore. In hindsight, nearly all of her platonic explanations had overwhelming evidence to contradict her, but I wanted to believe so badly that she would never purposely inflict so much pain. Her infatuation with him only grew despite a multitude of objections. There were thousands of messages, hours of phone calls and a number of untold secret rendezvous until their series of illicit decisions awaited one final "fuck you" to our marriage, to our family and to our future - they chose to become roommates where they were free to continue their affair behind closed doors and under a bedsheet of immorality. It's said that the most valuable currency in any relationship is trust - we were effectively broke. I attempted on two occasions to file for divorce, but each time she begged me to take her back and against my better judgement I accepted her explanations and apologies. Any rational person would have fled the other direction and heeded the obvious warnings but I, perhaps as a means to try and desperately hold onto the vows we once exchanged lied awake night after night for four months. In the brief moments of sleep that I did manage to get, I was often awakened by disturbing images of their intimacy.
I'm confident that if given the opportunity (which I would openly welcome) that she will claim that I am to blame for her adulterous decisions - although she does define the relationship as friendship only. It's essentially a narcissistic trait and if I was truly that bad then why stay for all those years? Why bring a third-party into the mix rather than being an adult and making adult decisions? Why would you want to return? Our relationship is obviously fractured and at times toxic which begs the question "what in the hell are we doing"? It's a question I ask myself daily as I weight the enormous pros and cons. In fact, I still firmly believe that they are still communicating - it's a gut feeling along with pieces of evidence that generally fall into my lap unexpectedly. I also believe that they've been much more careful to hide their relationship as not to mirror the first revelation. She has made it abundantly clear that she's more interested in preserving her repuation than in being honest. I don't believe for a moment that they collaborated together and messaged 300+ people ahead of time to tell them in advance that their relationship status was intended as a joke. I also don't believe that they both bought two tickets each to a Brantley Gilbert concert in seperate venues, but never intended to attend together as this is apparently his favorite artist. Lastly, I don't believe they were interested in buying bunkbeds for when one of the kids would visit - what adult would voluntarily sleep on a bunkbed? She was obviously sleeping with him in "their" bedroom, infecting herself with that hillbilly semen and showering in the same space he shit. And yet, here I am about as miserable and untrusting as one could possibly be fighting for something that I should have run from long ago. I'm exhaused and tired of clinging to a vision of a near-perfect union of two souls. Her heart shut me out the moment she exchanged contact details with him and the reality is we're just delaying the inevidable. I see no chance of forever. I see no chance of forgiveness. The only thing I do see as of this writing is a final goodbye - it's only a matter of time.
July 2021 - Finding Happiness
It's become abuntantly clear that after two-years, I'm nowhere near getting over the hurt or pain that you've inflicted by socializing with him in secret and then opting to move-in with him. The images of you two together haunt me daily - the thought of you two sharing intamcy that is intended to be between husband and wife makes my heart bleed with anger and overwhelming sadness. I understand that you feel you were disrepected and belittled for years and for that I've apologized a thousand times and take full responsibility for my actions of the past. My behavior; however, is not an excuse for your decisions to engage with someone else. From my perspective, it was done out of vegence and pure hatred to inflict as much damage to me as possible... and you not only succeeded, but exceeded your goals. The liklihood that I will ever be the same person again (before May 2019) is severely limited. It's difficult for me to look at you the same way I did when I proposed to you above the Seattle Skyline. It's diffiult for me to look at you the same way I did when when we exchanged vows and promised to love, cherish and be faithful until death due us part. It's difficult for me to look at you the same way I did the day our daughter was born. You're no longer the same person I fell in love with twenty-years ago. Your decisions of the past two years have transformed you into someone I no longer recognize. Gone are the days of the beautiful red-head I met in the parking lot of an AM/PM who made me believe in magic. Unfortunately, the truth is it was all an illusion and the person I grew to trust and respect most in this world hurt me in unimaginable ways.
August 2021 - The Next Chapter
I have been shit on more times in my life than I could ever possibly count. As a child, I had always assumed it was due to my disability. After all, I walked differently and had very little dexterity in my left hand. I was tormented, teased and beat-up throughout elementary and middle school. In the sixth grade, after being pushed off my bike and having a classmate try taking it, I had finally had enough and stood-up for myself. Just outside the school grounds and as other kids egged us on he took a swing at me which I blocked with my right arm. I could feel the years of frustration mounting as I clinched my fist, closed my eyes and landed a punch directly on his mouth knocking out a tooth. Right then and there the fight ended as he walked away crying while I hopped on my bike and rode away. In the seventh grade, another bully poured chocolate milk over my head in the cafeteria. I immediately stood up and with my good arm, grabbed him by his shirt, lifted him off the ground and pushed him against the wall. Other students were in apparent shock as I was generally a very quiet person. In fact, it would take only a single hand to count the number of close friends I had in my adulterant years. I was normally rather reserved and kept to myself in order to avoid elevating the torment I had come to expect - and it wasn't just from other kids.. it was from adults too who made very inappropriate comments or looked at me like my disability could be transmitted like a virus. When I was 19 and working at McDonald's the owner used to call me "the one-armed bandit" almost daily which made me both angry and uncomfortable.
Despite my experiences with others, I was desperate to have a family and often gravitated to those in need or simply those who were accepting of me despite my cerebral palsy. This often meant that they eventually moved in, but this would be short-lived after I bent over backwards to help or was taken advantage of. When I was 24, I met the woman who would eventually become my first wife and mother to my first child. It was also during this period that I realized it was time to grow-up and get a real job to support my family.. I've been in the same industry ever since and have continued to move-up the corporate ladder and maintain a consulting business on the side. This union; however, ended when I returned home early from work one day to find my wife naked at the front door. She tried to persuade me to another part of the condo, but I headed towards our bedroom where I was confronted by another half-naked man. I lunged at him from across the bed as he ran out of the house without pants. During the divorce proceedings and investigations we came to learn that there were at least two men she was seeing during our marriage, but perhaps more. This union in total lasted about 3.5 years. While I was devastated at the time after a majority of the hurt had subsided I excused her behavior and blamed it on her young age - she was in her early twenties.
After this I was obviously somewhat hesitant to get involved in another relationship. It was also during the time that America Online was gaining traction and I discovered the anonymity of online chatrooms. I slowly began attending AOL parties and when I felt that I was accepted began dating again. About two years later, while on another chat service I met a woman who at the time that had two children of her own and was just ending her first marriage due to infidelity. It was a common experience we both shared which drew me to closer to her almost immediately. I figured that since we had both been the victims of adultery that we not only understood the pain it caused, but that we could never possibly do that to someone else. It didn't take long for us to schedule our first meeting which took place in the parking lot of AM/PM in her hometown. From the moment I laid eyes on her, I was left speechless... she was absolutely beautiful. Everything about her was attractive - her gorgeous long red hair, her eyes, her voice.. you name it and I was hooked. During that evening we ended up at a restaurant and sang karaoke. I built up enough courage to not only sing to her, but also ask her for a kiss. We ended the night at her home where we intimate twice. The commute alone from my home to hers was roughly two hours each way and despite this, I couldn't wait to see her again and again. Eventually, she and her two children moved in with me. Together, we had three kids but I had always wanted a daughter of my own. Once we decided to extend our family it only took about two months for her to become pregnant. In October of the following year, we welcomed our daughter to the world. Like any relationship, especially one that includes a blended family will often have its ups and downs. It wasn't always perfect, but I thought we were perfect together and could overcome any obstacle we faced. Shortly thereafter, we exchange vows and officially became husband and wife. The ceremony was in December which was completely appropriate because we both shared a love for the holiday season. As I said, things weren't always easy, but I knew there was nobody else in this world that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with other than her. One of our biggest obstacles / issues revolved around her (our son) who had a very difficult time with the transition and separation from his biological father. My wife and I would often engage is arguments over him because both of us were at our wits end on how to discipline and/or raise him to minimize his negative behavior - this would go on for years despite multiple doctor visits, medications and advice from counselors, friends and family. It was hard, difficult and I'm certain that both of us considered throwing in the towel on our marriage more than once, but at least from my perspective once the heated exchanges cooled down and angry words were replaced by apologies I saw the bigger picture - she was in fact, the woman I inspired to grow old with and not only spend a lifetime with, but any lifetime that may exist after this. I trusted her more than anyone else within my inner circle. She has told me countless times that she would never hurt me like my first wife did and in turn I promised the same. Fast forward seventeen years.. our children are all grown with the exception of our youngest daughter who was sixteen. Our oldest daughter was living on her own just a few miles down the road. Our eldest son had been working the same job for several years with hopes of leaving the nest soon and even our youngest son was doing exceptionally well - the same son who we had so many issues with while growing up. To be honest, I am so proud of the progress each one of them have made.
Somewhere in May of 2019 her behavior began to change, which I generally contributed to her recent hysterectomy. After recovery, she was often staying out late, not answering her phone or going shopping only return home with nothing. On occasion, she would state she was going to work out, but leave and return in her regular clothes. This was not typical for her based on our nearly two-decade long relationship. Then, one afternoon she was sitting on the lawn tractor when I approached her from behind. She had been texting someone and while I couldn't see the entire message (due to her being startled by my presence) I did see ",baby". Just who in the fuck is she calling baby? Almost instantly it all began to add up with her unusual behavior from days and weeks ago. I suspected she may be seeing someone else, but couldn't believe she would possibly hurt me in that way knowing that we both came from previous relationships that had ended for the same reason. Had she recently experienced a blow to the head and been rendered incapable of making sound choices? Was she being manipulated by this other individual? Worst of all, was she making a conscious decision to be an adulterous whore with no morals and completely disregard her vows? I stormed off whereby she caught up to me and tried to explain away the text. Hours later, still somewhat confused over what I had witnessed, I began questioning everything and everyone. I asked our eldest daughter if she thought her mother was capable of having an affair. I asked her mother the same - both said "no". Roughly two weeks later, while three of our four children were home and my wife's ex-husband were visiting my youngest daughter stormed out of her room crying. Apparently, she had been reading the text exchange(s) between my wife and another man. When confronted, she almost immediately said "I have a boyfriend". My heart sunk, I was in complete disbelief and jumping up and down asking "why?" and "what?" more times than I can count. Keep in mind that this was playing out in front of our kids and her ex-husband and while my world was just turned completely upside down I was still conscious of the tears my children were crying. She walked towards our bedroom where I immediately followed and begged her to stop communicating with him. She ended up leaving that night and I'm assuming ended up in the arms or under the covers with her lover. Little (no pun intended) did I know at the time just how hideous the other guy was. Seriously, he is a tiny man in his 40's working a dead-end job, making just over minimum wage and is barely living above poverty level. His apartment would most likely qualify for low-income status and he probably paid for his chew with an EBT card... and yet, my wife in her infinite wisdom chose to be with him - obviously, not only is she willing to degrade herself, but she has absolutely no standards. No woman with any common sense would ever agree to this unless they were essentially mentally disabled or so desperate for attention that they would give this fuckard a second glance. She later told me that it was a mistake to call him her boyfriend and that everything was platonic.. this was her explanation for everything despite overwhelming evidence of the opposite. She briefly moved in with our daughter, but never ceased communication with him despite my multiple pleas. In fact, in late August I was informed by her that she was moving in with him because he "had an extra room" to rent. Well, isn't that fucking convenient that the man you called your boyfriend just weeks ago is moving out of a one-bedroom dump, to another two-bedroom dump just steps away. So, where exactly are his children planning on sleeping in this arrangement if you are in fact staying in the second bedroom? Just how fucking stupid do you think I am? I'm choosing to ignore the obvious while you're trying to place your reputation ahead of being honest. God forbid your friends and family find out that you are a skank who walked away from her marriage and family. Preserving your "good-girl" image is much more important than being honest with your husband of seventeen years. There's so many other examples... the other phone he gave you to prevent me from tracking calls and other activities. Purchasing two tickets for his favorite artist which weren't intended for you both of you to attend together. Your claim of sleeping on the couch, but your clothes were in the closet of his room. Stating he was your boyfriend the first time was a mistake, but you did it two more times after blocking me from your social media and thinking I wouldn’t see. Do you realize that every single time I confronted you about something it was either the first time, only time or some form of a platonic explanation? You paid for six-months rent to live in a completely dilapidated home with someone who has the reputation of breaking up other relationships. You paid for his meals, he attended family events, went to the grocery store with you and god-knows what else I don't know about and may never find out because you've done a hell of a job trying to keep everything in the shadows and make it all seem so damn innocent. I don't think there is anything that will ever convince me otherwise unless you were to take a lie detector test with questions that I propose - it will either prove that the nature of your relationship was platonic for the entirety of your interactions or there was in fact more to it that you're not willing to admit to in fear of losing security and pissing away a nearly twenty-year relationship for an affair with a complete fucking loser who has zero redeeming qualities. First and foremost he’s almost and wide as he is tall, probably needs a step stool to get into bed or mount some fat ugly-ass bitch and looks like deformed garden gnome. Hell, he’s so damn ugly that if he were into bestiality even sheep would reject him.
I still believe it my heart there are deep secrets and memories that the two of you will always share. I also believe that there's a fairly good chance that you continue to communicate or meet up during lunches or after work. It may not necessarily be as often as it once was, but there's still a connection and perhaps even an attraction... to what I'll never understand.
I hope you understand that if THIS relationship is to work and move forward that there is no room for secrets or lies and it will take time to trust again. Your interactions may not have been a big deal to you, but they were to me. In my eyes, you severed the vows we exchanged and completely crushed me with one disastrous decision after another.
Despite everything, I still love you and have worked extraordinarily hard on moving past this dark cloud in our relationship. As you can tell; however, the hurt that you've inflicted added with my sheer hatred of him runs through my veins like fire. I think he deserves nothing more than a slow painful death for consciously and purposely injecting himself in our marriage and then even suggesting the two of you become roommates. He is about as worthless as putting a turd in a plastic container and treating it as a leftover meal. Beyond my fear of ever finding out that the two of you in fact shared moments that were intended to be between husband and wife, I'm also concerned that it may only a matter of time before history repeats itself or that history is still being written.
September 2021 - Moving On
So, it appears that the troll has moved.. perhaps he's now living in a tree and baking cookies or in a shelter since he couldn't afford $1300.00 rent on his own and nobody was dumb enough to sign a rental agreement with him or opt to be roommates with such a piece of worthless shit. Anyhow, yesterday I was asked to stop by the grocery store to pick-up a few things and I figured that I'd drive-by since the dump since it was only a half-mile away. I immediately noticed that unlike before, the blinds were all open and upon closer inspection there was no furniture and not a single light was on, nor any vehicles in sight. While driving home I informed my wife of this and was a bit shocked when she didn't express any sense of surprise that he's moved. This lead me to question that if she has not had any contact with him, then why was she not surprised? Had she already been informed? Does she know where he lives now? Has she visited him in his new place? You see, I'm still absoluately convinced that they had a sexual relationship in the past and because of this there's but a flicker of trust in our current marriage - I feel like I've been lied to for over two and a half years about the extent of their relationship. It's something that she and he are bound to take to their graves and perhaps beyond where adulterers will most likely be dragging their asses on the devil's carpet. She contiues to state that I'm obsessed with him.. of course I'm obsessed with the moraless man who decided it was acceptable to fuck my wife! I literally hope he dies a slow and painful death: get covid, mother-fucker!
I no more believe her explanations and exaugurations than I do that aliens have probed my rectum with a pool cue and mint jelly. More than likely everything she has told me for the last two and a half years has all been a concerted effort to project and preserve her reputation amongst family and friends. At this point, I would much rather have had her approach me to express her interest in being mounted by a truck-driving midget than be lied to for as long as I have. I would have indicated that she's fucking crazy, but perhaps it's hard not to fall for the charm of a chunky, bankrupt leprechaun.
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that differenciates her from the likes of her ex-husband and my ex-wife is that she moved-in with this piece-of-shit and flaunted in my face - trying to convince me to ignore the mountains of evidence, ignore what I've seen, ignore what I've heard.. the only reasonable truth is spoken from her lips. Did he just accidentally fall into your vagina over and over again? I think I'm just done.. for a while I thought I was too old to start over again. I've invested too much time and energy into this relationship, but it's quite apparent she checked-out a long time ago and has been trying to convince me everything was platonic ever since. I deserve better and hope to eventually find the happiness I've searched so long for. It's certainly not in this marriage and she has proved this with her actions, silence and secrets.
I'm confident that when we do go our own way that miraculously she and he will declare their love of one another having been "friends" for so long, but somehow finding a common bond. Good luck living on food-stamps and section 8 housing, sweetheart. He's almost 50 years-old and has never strived for anything more than mediocrity and still requires help to survive. You really know how to pick'em.
November 2021 - Leonard
There's a difference between making a mistake and enacting on a deliberate action whereby the sole intention is to inflict as much pain as possible on someone else. The scars that are often left unseen rarely have an opportunity to heal when injured by similar motions time and time again. No amount of explanations or excuses can ease the pain or change the past. To this day, I'm confident that her relationship with him went well way beyond friendship. It's difficult to comprehend how an adult can make such a series of devestating decisions unless there was some external influence or perhaps through witnessing similar behaviors. I suspect the latter may at least play a small role in her actions as her mother for years used to desperately seek attention from any man willing to say a kind work or flash a smile. This woman used to drag her aging body from one bed to the next without ever questioning the sincerity or motivation behind her suitors. Furthermore, over the years I've heard countless stories of how she would steal, lie and put the needs of her children behind any man she was pursiung. I've personally witnessed nearly all these actions over the years - which many now (or at least were) being mirrored by my wife, her daughter. Jason had effectively become my wife's "Leonard" - a man whom courted her and all but manipluated her into believing that moving in with one another was a fantastic idea.. a proposal that she was all too willing to agree to effectively placing her marriage and her children in second place. This "man" is completely useless in every sense of the word - no morals, low standards and absolutely no regrets in enaging in adulterous affairs. Quite frankly, it makes more sense to wipe one's ass with toilet paper that has been used on a previous bowel movement than it does even wasting a single moment in his presence.
I can't completely put all the fault of her actions on his shoulders.. afterall, she is an adult with functioning brain cells although her series of decisions during this time put into question her level of sanity. I had heard that he has a propensity to stalk women who have fallen on hard-times or may have a sense of low self esteem which he takes advantage of to satisfy his own twisted needs. My wife is at least the third victim in his sadistic games which often lead to heartbreak for those left on the sidelines. This has been collaboated by others within this small town community who know him and his motives all too well. What I still don't understand is why, nearly two-years later she continues to defend him knowing the damage he inflicted on others and more importantly on our marriage, our memories and perhaps our future as husband and wife.
I suspect that the guilt weighs heavy on her for the emotional distress she caused - for months she woke-up under the same roof as this monster, perhaps even under the same sheets. However, now that she's returned should any truth pass her lips about what really happened would essentially could potentially open the door to taking seperate paths foward into the future.
I still often wonder if they continue to communicate, continue to see one another. If so, I suspect that they have both perfected their skills in secrecy as not to be caught again. Perhaps they have alternate social media accounts or assumed alias' that they've created in order to hide their desire for one another. Perhaps the only reason she continues to stay is for the security of my paycheck - afterall, I make over $200K a year and he, I'm assuming works paycheck to paycheck and struggles to achieve much more than minimum wage. I suspect this is the case when he (as an adult) requires roommates in order to satisfy a $1300.00 monthly rent payment and was applying for a trucking position that started at $21/hour.